I didn’t live near Cindy Love for most of my adult life.  I left Pennsylvania after college and came back to visit.  For Cindy Love I was always away.  When we talked on the phone she would always say to me, ‘Mel, I just have three words for you…..I love you so much and miss you so much.  Won’t you please come home?’  Only every time we talked she said that, for about 30 years.  Her three words would stretch into much more than that.

I loved how much she loved me.  No matter what, she was always glad to see me.  Her voice was  sweet and her touch so soft.  She would give me the most beautiful hug every time I saw her, and then again and again and again.  She loved to love.

I miss that.  I miss being so missed and wanted and for her to be so delighted to see me.

I have times when I feel unwanted and rejected and am deeply aware of the times I believe I am not wanted.  You could say I’m a master at finding rejection.  Every time I feel as if I am being rejected my heart gets crushed.  What’s really crazy is I do this again and again.  I continue to search for, and find rejection.  I’m 57 and still feel rejection and my heart still gets crushed.

And yet……

again

I trust.

I put my self out there and open up and share what is inside of me fully,  often with total abandon.  And then…..I notice a lack of love and pull in,  just like this magnificent swan.

Photo by Hannah Sicherman

As if putting my head down and in and trying to hide could ever really protect me.  In order to be protected forever I would ‘feel as if ‘ I had to keep myself smaller and I simply will not do that,  I won’t stay in.  I won’t stay hidden.  I won’t keep myself smaller and tighter than I truly am.  If I did I would suffocate.  

I choose to live and love fully.  

I choose to live open as much as possible.

There is a force in me that protects me.  That force is physical and emotional and spiritual.  It is the essence of who I am and the wisest most knowing part of me.  It is core.  And it is also in you and everyone on this planet.  It is truth and it is perfection.  And guess what, it’s big, really, really big.

F. M. Alexander called this force Primary Control.  The Enneagram looks at it as our essence, our essential self.  Religions call it our divinity and our relationship to God.  Whatever you name it that intelligence and wisdom knows that living fully is being open and available.  Simply put, that force in all of us is free, always, no matter what, only all the time.  But, and this is a big caveat, we interfere with that wisdom and stay small.  We keep parts of our selves hidden and inward in order to feel safe.

Marjorie Barstow used three words to inhibit the interference.  They were, ‘no especially anything.’  My three words were ‘no big deal.’   Letting go of that interference requires that we release our grip on ourselves and lighten up. The real truth is we are less safe smaller.  We are less safe hidden.  We are more vulnerable to real pain when we interfere with the truth and fullness of who we are.  We are stronger when we are lighter with our selves, when we don’t make too big a deal about things.

Something only always in me bursts open and begs to be a part of this world. Like this beautiful bird moments after the first picture was taken I want to open.  Again and again and again, no matter how many times I have been hurt I want to open.  It is my nature to open, and it is yours as well.

Photo by Hannah Sicherman

How Cindy Love never felt rejected is amazing to me.  She never had feelings of worthlessness.  She never reacted to slights with anger.  She never wanted to flee.  She never made her self smaller.  She never diminished herself.  She never feared what other’s thought of her.  She didn’t obsess on her worth.

She simply was. She enjoyed her own being.  She treasured being with herself.  She had a world inside of her that was rich, soft,  kind and full of love.  She never interfered with her true nature.  She was as free and exposed as this bird.  And she was this beautiful.  This pure.

When I love like Cindy loved I feel like soaring,

When we love like Cindy loved we soar,

together.

Photo by Hannah Sicherman

My three words now are,      I      CHOOSE      LOVE.

What are yours?

Love Lessons